Domestic Violence in Canada 101.
The issue of intimate partner and family violence in Canada is widespread, affecting thousands of people and demanding attention for community mental well-being.
The Prevalence of Domestic Violence in Canada
In 2022, 129,876 victims of police-reported family violence according to Stats Can. Women and girls are disproportionately affected by domestic violence. The rate of family violence was more than two times higher among women and girls (455) than among men and boys (215) in 2022. Between 2014 and 2019, 80% of intimate partner homicide victims were women.
While women are more frequently perceived as victims of domestic violence, men can also be targets of abuse. In actuality, it is believed that the initiation of domestic violence between men and women is equal. Due to societal norms and reporting biases, male victims may be less likely to seek help or have their experiences validated.
Why Leaving an Abusive Relationship is Difficult
The decision to leave an abusive relationship is complex and often incredibly dangerous. People choose to stay for many interlocking reasons, typically revolving around fear, control, and dependence.
Fear and Intimidation
Fear is the primary tool of control used by perpetrators. This includes the fear of physical harm, financial instability, or social isolation. Abusers frequently use intimidation tactics, such as menacing looks, shouting, property damage, and threats—not just against the victim, but also against children, loved ones, pets, or themselves (threats of self-harm or suicide). This constant cycle of threats and coercion is designed to force compliance and prevent the victim from ever feeling safe enough to leave.
Psychological Manipulation and Gaslighting
People often still hold love or hope for their partner, believing the abuse will stop or that they can "fix" the relationship. This belief is exploited through gaslighting, where the perpetrator systematically makes the victim doubt their own memory, perception, and reality. This manipulation severely damages the person's ability to trust their own judgment, making the monumental decision to leave feel impossible.
Financial Dependence
Financial control is a powerful barrier. Perpetrators may intentionally restrict a partner's access to money or assets, making independent survival feel impossible. Tactics include:
Sabotaging Employment: They interfere with work schedules, cause the victim to be late, or harass them at their workplace.
Coercing Debt: They may pressure their partner to take out loans or co-sign debt, leaving the victim responsible for the financial burden long after the relationship ends.
Hiding Assets: They conceal income or assets, making it difficult for the partner to assess their financial standing or plan for separation.
Creating Reliance: They convince their partner that they are financially incapable of supporting themselves, reinforcing feelings of dependency and trapping them.
Lack of Support
People expierencing domestic violence often feel profoundly isolated, fearing judgment or blame from others. This is compounded by a lack of tailored support systems.
Stigma and Shame: They may internalize blame, believing they provoked the abuse, which leads to feelings of shame and guilt that prevent them from seeking help.
Insufficient Resources: In some communities, there is a lack of accessible and comprehensive resources available, making it challenging for them to find the specific help they need.
Cultural Barriers: In some cultures or religious contexts, divorce or separation is heavily stigmatized, making it difficult to leave without facing community exile.
Trauma Bonding
This complex psychological phenomenon involves the person developing a strong emotional attachment to their abuser despite the harm being inflicted. It is characterized by the cycle of abuse, where intense love and affection alternate with periods of cruelty or neglect. The abuser uses intermittent reinforcement—small rewards of kindness—to hook the victim, creating a sense of hope and dependence that is incredibly difficult to break. In rare cases, some may develop Stockholm tendencies, identifying with or sympathizing with their perpetrator, further strengthening the bond.
Protecting Children, Pets, and Dependents
Some people remain in the relationship out of fear for the safety of others. They may believe staying is the best way to protect children from the abuser or to maintain a sense of family normalcy. The fear that the abuser will harm children or pets if they leave—or use them as leverage—is often intensified by the abuser's threats.
How to Safety Plan When Leaving Domestic Violence
Victims of domestic violence are at a heightened risk of homicide when planning to leave or immediately after separation. Therefore, leaving requires strategy, time, and planning. It is best to work with a trained professional from a domestic violence agency when developing a safety plan.
Before Leaving
Develop a Discreet Emergency Plan: Let a trusted person know you may need quick help. Identify a code word to signal an emergency discretely if the abuser is nearby.
Arrange Safe Housing: Identify safe places to go, such as domestic violence shelters, trusted friends’ homes, hospitals, or public spaces.
Prepare an Escape Bag: Have a small, portable escape bag ready that is hidden in a safe location. This bag should include:
Keys
Cash/Money
Essential medication
Identification and copies of important papers (birth and marriage certificates, etc.).
Protect Pets: If you are truly concerned about your pet's safety, contact local animal shelters or humane societies, as many have temporary pet housing programs.
Leaving Safely
Choose the Right Time: The safest time to leave is when the perpetrator is away, asleep, or least likely to be violent. Avoid leaving during or immediately after arguments.
Leave Quickly and Quietly: Have the bag ready and leave without drawing attention.
After Leaving
Change Routine and Contact Info: Vary your daily routine, use different routes to work, and avoid places the abuser frequents. Change your phone number, email, and social media passwords.
Inform Your Workplace: Workplaces are legally obligated to ensure your safety on the job, and should assist with a safety plan.
Seek Legal and Professional Help:
Consult with an attorney to understand legal rights and options (e.g., obtaining a restraining order).
Contact local domestic violence organizations or Victim Services immediately to develop an ongoing, comprehensive safety plan.
Connect with friends and family to build a permanent support network.
Digital Security: Other Steps to Consider
Digital security is important, as perpetrators often use technology to track and monitor victims.
Secure All Accounts: Change passwords for every online account (email, social media, banking, streaming, and cloud services). Use new, strong, unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication (2FA) wherever possible.
Use a Safe Device: Conduct all sensitive communication and planning (like contacting shelters or attorneys) using a new, safe phone or a computer outside the home (e.g., at a library or a trusted friend's house).
Check for Tracking Apps and Devices: Check all phones, tablets, and computers for hidden spyware or monitoring apps. Physically check purses, bags, cars, and coat pockets for small, hidden Bluetooth or GPS trackers (like AirTags or Tiles).
Disable Location Sharing: Turn off all location services on your devices. Ensure location sharing is disabled on all social media, messaging apps, and in "Find My" apps (if applicable).
Adjust Privacy Settings: Increase privacy settings on all social media platforms and restrict who can see your posts, photos, and check-ins. Be cautious about posting any information about your new location or activities.
